Operation Queso Grande:

"I've got the stuff. Meet me by the cafe at 7 PM. Come alone."

I followed instructions and arrived at the specified location, cash in hand. Nervously glancing around, the exchange was made. After the money changed hands, I quickly stuffed my bounty into a Jeff Ruby's takeout bag. Other patrons were intrigued. "What's that?" They asked, craning their necks to get a better look in the bag. "Nothing." I hastily replied.

I discreetly placed the bag in the trunk of my car, and drove back to the apartment with my 15 lbs of not-for-retail-sale-for-food-institution-only Land O' Lakes Extra melt.

NOT FOR RETAIL SALE

You may remember my social media cheese dip experiment a while back, where I contacted Land O' Lakes to get some coveted Extra Melt, a melting cheese used by many Mexican restaurants that has been specifically engineered to kick the crap out of Velveeta when it comes to making a cheese dip.

You may also remember their subsequent response.
　

For a few days I couldn't look at the Land O' Lakes logo without being annoyed. "She's smug." I told David. "Land O' Lakes is sitting on a stockpile of Extra Melt, guarding it like Fort Knox. They're cheese Nazis, is what they are. Cheese Nazis!"

But I am nothing if not persistent. Determined not to be thwarted by Land O' Lakes or the limitations of retail sale, I made a few phone calls, and very shortly was in possession of three 5 lb blocks of the stuff.

And what do you make with 15 lbs of Extra Melt? Answer: Anything you want. It really is a superior melting cheese, and worth the hassle of obtaining. Happy hunting.

buffalo chicken nachos

Over jerk pork loin with a fried egg

Spicy Goetta Pancakes:

There's something comforting about pancakes. Buttery, slightly salty and sweet with maple syrup, pancakes, at least for me, are on the Olympic team of a tasty breakfast.

Sometimes, though, regular pancakes are not enough. Maybe you've had a horrible day at the office, arriving home frustrated and jittery from the coffee you've pounded to try make it through the afternoon. Or maybe you hit it a little too hard with cheap Hudy Delights at a Cincinnati Rollergirls game and now you're hating life (hey, it happens). Or maybe you're depressed because the playstation network has been down for almost a month, or Mark Bittman has announced he's no longer writing The Minimalist column in the New York Times.

All of these situations, and more, are the perfect environment for spicy goetta pancakes. Note that I didn't say pancakes with goetta, which could easily be confused as pancakes with goetta on the side. No, spicy goetta pancakes have spicy goetta pieces inside the pancakes themselves, making a spicy, salty, buttery sweet meal to put you on the road to emotional or physical recovery.

Thanks to the advances of modern technology, you now have two choices for pancakes. While making pancakes from scratch is extremely easy, there is now an even more lazy option. The batter blaster. I imagine pancakes in a whipped cream can won't sit well with everyone, but we've found it very convenient. Especially when I only want four small, silver dollar sized pancakes. At 12:15 AM.

Goetta pancakes instructions:

1. Cook your spicy goetta, making sure it is nice and crispy. Place on paper towel to the side.

2. Put the pancake batter in a greased pan or well seasoned skillet (preferably the one you cooked the goetta in).

3. Drop the spicy goetta crumbles into the pancake batter.

4. Flip once, and remove once fully cooked.

5. Repeat steps 2-4.

6. Put whatever toppings you like on your pancakes (syrup, butter, jam, some award winning gelato) Consume. Let the healing begin.